So I posted these "get to know mehttp://crystalstine.blogspot.com/2012/10/10-things-my-allume-roomies-should-know.html" and "Allume Introduction" posts the other week, and while they're completely accurate, for some reason today I felt the need to share something with my tens of readers. My real fears about Allume. Not for sympathy or even encouragement, but because these are things I that I deeply struggle with and by keeping them hidden, I'm giving the enemy room to use & abuse those fears. And I want nothing to do with that. So this way I'll lay it all out and if you're going to Allume you can keep me accountable and if you're not going & you love me, you can pray for me?
I'm an introvert who likes to be involved in everything. ALL THE THINGS. And when I find out later that I missed something/wasn't included in something/made a decision to go one way & regret it later when option B turned out to be more fun, I feel like a middle school girl with major insecurities and feel like I'm not part of the "right" groups. And then I throw myself a pity party and retreat. Please don't let me do that.
Because I want to be involved with all the "cool kids" and do all the right activities/meet ups/parties/etc. I have to fight jealousy. It's a horrendously ugly trait and one I've been desperately trying to work on. But when I see other people helping/planning/participating/speaking/being recognized and my worldly nature tells me "you deserved that, too" then I get sad ... pity party...retreat...etc. Please don't let me do that. I love encouraging other people and pray desperately that instead of feeling envious I can be supportive, uplifting, and take this time away to just take a deep breath. There is no one less deserving of any kind of blogging recognition than >this girl< so pray that I come to Allume with a humble heart. The proud one trips me up and if there is going to be any pride involved during the weekend I want it to be my heart filled with pride seeing another new/smaller blogger flourish and see God answering prayers and working in hearts.
I'm also afraid that - while I pride (ahem. yes. there we go.) myself on being authentic online, on my blog, in the Twittersphere....maybe the girl everyone expects to meet at Allume is a false version of myself. If I'm really honest, the written word comes easily to me. The spoken word? Can I just apologize in advance for the foolish/idiotic/embarrassing things that will come out of my mouth when/if we meet? I can write you a sweet card nine ways to Sunday but to have an adult/networking/small talk conversation? Good luck with that one.
Finally. Yesterday my husband called this blog & my writing my ministry and had I not been sitting in the car, securely fastened by a seatbelt, I would have fallen over. This? A ministry? Where I use too many exclamation points, smiley faces, forget to respond to comments and post more photos of our daughter than Bible verses? I'm afraid I'm going to get to Allume and find out that I have no business being a blogger, much less use this as a ministry. You see, along with envy, jealousy & pride, I also suffer the sin of comparison. I know I'll sit in the amazing sessions, read blogs from other attendees, speak with other women and realize that I simply don't measure up. So I'll retreat and find excuses not to write because I'll be embarrassed that I'm not "her," I don't take photos like "she" does, I don't get 100s of comments like "her" blog, and I write entirely too many run on sentences. Don't let me do that, ok? If this really is a ministry, pray that I would start to write for the One, and not the tens of readers (though I love you all to pieces. I do. I promise.). And that even if, down the road, God was the only One still reading this blog that I would continue to do it to glorify Him.
So. There we are. You're super excited to meet me now, aren't you?
I'm excited to meet you and can relate to a lot of what you said! ~Stacy (@dayspring82)
ReplyDeleteI completely understand this post- brava to you for putting it out there! I went to Relevant last year and along with the amazing, it was tough for me on some levels. I think the majority of bloggers there will be dealing with some of the things (if not all) that you mentioned. My advice for you is to pray, to have some kind of plan as to what you need/want to get out of it, but at the same time don't let your expectations run away with you. Connect with the women there above all else, not for networking reasons, but for heart and soul reasons. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh girl - I think we all have those fears and insecurities! Praying that you'll feel at home as soon as you walk in :) Come and find me!!
ReplyDeleteI am super-duper excited yo meet you! This is so much me and what I have to put up with inside my own head and heart. I am perpetually afraid of missing out. I want to be the first there, the last to leave, speak to everyone and go yo everything. I'm slowly trying to get a handle on the "success comparison" thing. You'll have to help me, too.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm still super excited to meet you! And I think my biggest fear is probably missing out on something. That's always been a struggle for me. You described it perfectly--fearful about committing to something for fear of missing something else and the something else turning out to be better.
ReplyDeleteOh, that's so much like me! I'm horrible at small talk and sometimes (often?) think I'm missing out because I don't run with the cool kids. Crazy how those fears become so ingrained. I'll be praying for you and with you that both of us will get beyond those things to enjoy what God has for us at Allume.
ReplyDeleteTammie, I will most definitely be keeping you in my prayers leading up to Allume, and if you need to find someone who "gets it" during the conference, come find me, girl!
ReplyDeleteWhew. I was worried :) Should we go with "divide, conquer & text" so we know the best places to be at all times? (kidding. ish.)
ReplyDeleteI will most definitely come to find you! I'm going to try to make a list of all the wonderful women I want to meet. Although you'll have to forgive me if I'm dumb & don't recognize you in real life. I don't recognize people I ALREADY know in real life when I see them around town :P
ReplyDeleteMuah. Thank you. Seriously. I adore the "heart & soul" connections perspective instead of networking. It sounds less scary and more meaningful.
ReplyDeleteExcited to meet you too Stacy!
ReplyDeleteCrystal I respect the heck out of you for writing this. I have to say when I read this: "I'm an introvert who likes to be involved in everything." and then read your feelings when you miss out on something or when you're not included in something, it was like I was reading my own thoughts. I am the same way and struggle with the same things. I will pray for you, girlfriend :) I feel like I've "met" a kindred spirit :)
ReplyDeleteGirl, I am more excited now than ever before! You're a girl after my own heart! And I'm sure we are not alone in the struggles you mentioned. I can so quickly and easily be consumed by jealousy, until I recognize what/why I write IS indeed for the God who gave me the desire, the words (and yeah, I am not so great in person either :D not that I'm that great online!)and the community. Can you say kindreds?!?! Thank you for putting your heart out there and for making me feel not so foolish and alone....love ya already!
ReplyDeleteJust what I needed to read tonight, thank you!
ReplyDeleteaw :) thank you!
ReplyDeleteWhat I admire about you is that you can see and express your fears and short comings. I had so much pride in my heart before my first allume that I couldn't even see it. God will bless the humility you show here in being authentic and asking for grace. He heaps grace on the humble.
ReplyDeleteYou hang with me, girl, in our little pinks shirts, and we'll keep reminding each other it's not about us, ok?
We get pink shirts? Yay!
ReplyDeleteHonesty! Love this :) I am also an "introvert who likes to be involved in everything." I get it. Visiting from Kris' place.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Always Alleluia - and I just love your honesty here. Pretty sure you just described me to a tee. :) Hope you had a great time at Allume!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. I wish we had connected at Allume. And I so relate to what you said about missing something ...
ReplyDelete